Family Ties

When you first get married, finding the balance between starting your new ,independent family and keeping your family ties can be really tough. You have this new spouse and you want to make your own traditions,and rules but it can be hard when you have the influence of your family constantly telling you their advice (most of the time given without being asked).  I know couples that as soon as they get married, they move far away from their families and do not have much contact. They are so focused on making sure they live their own life and separate themselves that they forget the benefits and blessings to having good strong relationships with their family. On the flip side, I also know couples how have very close relationship with their parents, and that could have a negative impact on the couple's relationship. There needs to be a balance. You shouldn't cut off your family completely, but you also should not be dependent on your parents anymore. In the Bible it talks about this very thing.  In Genesis 2:24 it says, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife;and they shall be one flesh."  We should be cleaving to our spouse! We should be turning to them and looking for them for support. When there are problems in the relationship, cleave to your spouse. 
Couples need to counsel together and if you do gain advice from other people, make sure to bring it up with your spouse and talk about it. In an article written by Harper and Olsen, it talks about this very thing. It says,"President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside soured should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together." There is a lot of wisdom that we can gain from our parents and we should always appreciate that. But parents also need to respect their children and let them make the decisions for them and their spouse.




Source:Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families."

Leading by Example

We all want to be the best parent for our children. Even for those that do not have yet children (including myself), we still want that goal and hope to achieve it. There are so much parenting books and sometimes it can be overwhelming, but there is something that I have noticed that seems to be working pretty well. Leading by example.
Children are very observant and they are watching you even when you think they are not. The way we treat our spouse is so important because that is how our children will think is okay to treat someone. If you are treating your spouse with love and respect, your children will see that and have those same values. I think it is so vital that children see their parents respect on another. I have an uncle and aunt whose relationship can definitely benefit from this reading. Growing up, I would hear my uncle call his wife stupid or dumb in front of the children and my aunt would tell him to quit it but it was never taken seriously. Then the children would call their mom stupid or tell her to shut up. It is seriously so sad and very frustrating to watch this play out. It is so important that the spouses shows respect toward each other, especially in front of the children. The kids will see that and will copy that behavior.

I also believe that we need to not be afraid to set boundaries with our children. There is a quote by President Kimball that says,""Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children.... Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him". The last part of this quote is what really stuck out to me about the importance of having limits and when we do not, that shows we do not care about them. I mean if we truly cared about our children, we would set up boundaries and enforce those boundaries even when it gets hard. It's proven that kids NEED structure and as parents we have a duty to give that to them. Children needs parents, not friends.
These are just a few things that I have learned that I thought I would pass on to any parents or future parents.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Did you grow up with parents that had healthy conversations to you about sex? Or was sex taboo? I know for me my parents never talked to me about sex. I had to learn about sex from my friends and I wish that wasn't the case. I believe whole-heartedly, that parents should be having open conversations with their children about their body and about sex, so when they are about to get married there will be no surprises. Sometimes I feel like talking about making love is taboo in our mormon culture because we talk about how wrong it is outside the bonds of marriage. I feel like we need to do better about talking about how it is a beautiful gift from God and that we need to embrace the want to be physical with our spouse. This way people won't feel so uncomfortable when it comes to the time when they are actually married and are allowed to make love with their spouse. It is SO important that we talk about this sacred topic and for people to be informed! Not only the mechanics behind it, but also the reason why we have these sexual desires. I believe that it is important to be honest about this conversation, but also still be respectful. Sexual intimacy is an extremely sacred thing between a husband and wife and it should be treated as such.

There is an article call "Fullfing the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" by Sean E. Brotherson and he talks about many great topics about sexual intimacy in marriage. It is so important that you keep an open and honest conversation open about your sex life, because when needs are not talked about, that is when feelings get hurt. Brotherson says,"I love the quote,”So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result”. Sex should not be a burden in the marriage. God created us to have this sexual desires for a person, so that we can bond with our spouse in an intimate way.

Avoiding Gridlock

Has there ever been a situation in your relationship where you both cannot come to an agreement? You are going round and round and just can't seem to come to an argument. Many couples have their "gridlock" problems. How do you cope with these gridlock problems? Do you let it affect your whole marriage? Dr. Gottman talked about how an important aspect into avoiding gridlock is to ,”…spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration and practice turning toward each other”. It is really hard to look past certain problems or even work on them when you are turned away from each other. I have noticed this with the relationships in my life. For example, in my last relationship, there was a big issue that needed to be worked on and we were definitely deadlocked. But when we were not talking about the problem, we were fighting about other little things that were not important. Instead of focusing on the things that we enjoyed of each other and turning towards each other, we did the exact opposite and it eventually lead to the end of the relationship. This is what you do not want to do. Strong marriages do not let these gridlock problems overcome their entire marriage. You need to have that separation and focus on the good things going on in your marriage.

99 Problems, But My Marriage Ain't One!

Do you feel like your marriage is a constant battle, or there are just problems that will NEVER go away no matter how hard you try to fix them. Well, you are not alone. According to Dr. Gottman, about 69% of marriages problems are perpetual. This means that these problems never truly go away. People who are in successful marriages learn how to deal with these problems, while marriages who fail crumble to the pressure of these problems. Something that people in a happy marriage do to help with these perpetual problems is approaching them with a sense of humor. I feel like this is a common answer to many problems in a marriage. But it makes sense! Having a sense of humor helps cut the tension and relieve the stress that can come from a potential stressful conversation. These couples also recognize that these problems may never go away, but they avoid situations that worsen them. I think it is important that we recognize that marriage WILL come with problems. When two unperfect people marry, it is only inevitable. I think it is also important to remember that there are going to be things that our partner does that annoy us from time to time. We need to focus on what is important. Something that I learned that I think is important is to be able to recognize what kind of problem you are dealing with. Knowing the difference between a situational problems and perpetual problems is something that can very beneficial.

A situational problem is problem that IS solvable, but can still be a pain in the butt. A couple needs to have the proper technique to deal with problems (no matter what kind) to really have a successful marriage. Here are five steps that Dr. Gottam suggests doing to help solve problems:
1) Soften your start up
2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3) Soothe yourself and each other
4) Compromise
5) Process any grievances so that they do not linger

Practice these steps in any marriage and it will most definitely help strengthen your marriage!

Humble and Kind

I feel like the biggest culprit to many failed marriages is pride. When we have pride in our hearts, we are unable to think of our partners needs but instead only think of ourselves. There are so many things that can cause a wedge between you and your spouse if we choose to let pride overcome our hearts. Games such as bringing up your spouse’s faults or giving them the cold shoulder can really be detrimental to your marriage. When we play games like that, we are not thinking about our partner anymore. We are only thinking of ourselves and trying to either make our self feel better or trying to tear down our partner. Either way, that is absolutely no way to treat anyone, including your spouse. When situations like these occur, humility and charity are not present in the marriage. We have to be willing to change and admit when we are wrong. We need to have the pure love of Christ is our marriage and constantly serve our partner without expecting anything back in return. When you start to put your partner in front of your own needs and really think of their feelings, you allow love and humility fill you heart. I really do believe that serving each other is a HUGE way in making sure that pride does not take an affect in your marriage. When you serve and love each other, you forget to be selfish and become selfless.






There is a song by Tim McGraw and there is a lyric that I really like in it. He says:
"Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why:
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind"

I like this because it is so true!! There are going to be times in our marriage when our spouse isn't necessary our favorite person but we need to forgive quickly and forget. Bitterness and pride will keep us from having a happy and successful marriage. If we remember to always stay humble and kind then we will live a very happy life.

What are your "Bids"?

Have you wondered how in tune you actually are to your spouses emotional cues? For example, say your spouse is putting your clothes in the laundry and they keep sighing pretty loud. Do you just ignore this? Or do you ask them is something is bothering them? Doing something so simple, such as asking is there is anything wrong, can really bring you and your spouse together. The reactions we have to our spouse is so critical to the way our relationship will be. If our spouse says a “bid” that comes off as harsh, we can do one of two things. One, you can become defensive and say something in return super rude which can lead into a argument. Or you can recognize that your spouse is frustrated and respond in a calming way that help your spouse feel better. When you do this,”partners are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away”. It can definitely become difficult when your spouse says something harsh to you and you want to fight back. But if you want a lasting and loving relationship, you are going to have to give up those tendencies and really try to ask yourself,"Is there a deeper meaning become this harsh remark?". Asking yourself can really help save you and your spouse a lot of time from having fights over nothing.

Everything that we do in this life is a choice. Everything we say and every single reaction that we have is a choice. We can choose to simply ignore our spouse's bids for attention or we can take personally every single thing they say. But,when in reality, it is about something else.We have two choices on how we can react to our partner and that can dictate the rest of the day for you both. When our partner snaps at us, we can either become defensive and snap back right back at them, or we can take a deep breath and react in a more loving way. I love the concept of turning towards our partner, not away.
Becoming emotional aware of our partner and their needs is SO important to having a healthy and happy relationship.